EAST ASIA RECTORS MEETING 2001

THE RECTOR: Promoter of Communication in the Community

August 20-21, 2001

By Earnest TAN

Lawaan, Talisay City, CEBU – FIS

Rethinking Rectorship

Towards a culture of Empowerment

1. Why rethink about rectorship?

   0. The challenge to balance task-orientation with people-orientation

• Filipino psyche requires attention to ego (self-esteem)

• Unmet emotional needs may be present (unfinished business in childhood)

• Functional vs. meaningful connections (loneliness)

0. Shifting orientations toward “authority”

• Paradigm shifts: From tyrant to bureaucrat to facilitator to visionary (Hall model)

• Empowering through adult to adult transaction

0. The call for integration/ congruence :Word made Flesh

• Bridging gaps between the role self and the true self

• Discrepancy between what is said and what is being practiced

0. The power of influence

• Leader – centered culture

• The organizational climate and morale

2. The different dimensions of rectorship

   0. Personal integration

• learning the art of “intimacy”

• Being at “home” with oneself (reconciling with one’strenghts and weaknesses)

• Reclaiming one’s history and finishing unfinished business of the past

• Living consciously and responsibly

0. Creating a new “culture”

• Every person is respected and affirmed

• Climate of openness and trust

• Emotional expressions are allowed and emotional needs are addressed

• Confrontative vs. defensive or passive aggressive communications (i.e giving and receiving feedback)

• Shared vision

• Participatory processes i.e decision-making on rules, problem-solving, etc.

• Emphasis on self-discipline (self-management vs. control of behaviours)

3. Challenges

   0. Letting go of control (vs. everything depends on me!)

   1. Moving in and out of role (vs. getting stuck with role)

   2. Allowing own vulnerability (vs. masks of strength)

   3. Re-structure orientation (vs. insisting on habits)

4. Spirituality

   0. My life as a letter (st. Paul)

• redeeming power of God working in my life

• wounded healers

• openness to Grace

0. Freeing vs. Imprisoning (Spirit vs. Law)

Ministry demands intimacy (Carroll Juliano, SHCJ)

Intimacy is the ability to reveal oneself to another. It requires a letting go of defenses, allowing another to see me as I am, with strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, doubts and dreams. Self-disclosure involves both a risk and a challenge. To be able to enter into an intimate relationship presumes having achieved some sense of personal identity. Self-knowledge gives one the confidence to share oneself with another without fear of losing part of oneself in the process. It is from experience of intimacy, that we develop the qualities of compassion, sensitivity, warmth, caring and empathy …

People in the ministry are encouraged to develop all aspects of their personality

Fears obstruct intimacy

• intimacy requires vulnerability and a willingness to expose one’s true self to another. This can be a threatening experience, evoking certain fears that stifle responsiveness.

• One is a fear of rejection and ridicule. Everyone has a basic desire to be loved and accepted (what happens if I reach out to another and I am rejected, laughed or ignored? If self esteem is low, an individual may find it difficult to imagine any response other than scorn or rejection.

• Once a person opens up to another, he/ she gives the other power.

• There may be fear because of misunderstanding, that the other can use this knowledge against him/her, that self-revelation, unreciprocated, will be used to fill the other’s needs.

• Because the life of ordained/ professed persons is often characterized by mobility and transience, FEAR of termination, involving separation and loss, may be more prevalent among priests and religious.

Fear produces defenses

• there are many ways in which people in ministry attempt to defend themselves against intimacy.

1. What in your life interferes with a willingness to achieve greater intimacy?

2. When you are afraid, what defenses do you use?

• Workaholism

• many ministers become completely absorbed in their work “super”ministers who run every minute, work from daybreak to sunset. For them, ministry is all-consuming and life becomes one-dimensional. But the people with whom they live or minister to never meet the real person. Ministry becomes a protection, to avoid dealing with people on a personal level.

• Intellectualization:

• this is behavior that avoids intimacy by focusing constantly on facts, events, ideas

• this replaces entering into mutual dialogue about oneself and one’s hopes, needs, strengths and weakness – and eliminates dealing with feelings and revealing oneself to others

• Pseudoasceticism

• a person’s relationship with God becomes a means of escapism from human encounters

• one can always hide from personal relationship by talking to/ or about God

• Pseudoprofessionalism

• becoming as “superfacilitator” never disclosing anything of him/herself

• it can be to hide behind the title of “father, brother, sister” as a way of putting space between themselves and others

• Obsession with Pets

• focus of attention on conversation with dogs and cats.

• Humor

• can be a joyful and enriching dimension of any situation

• can also be a very effective distancing technique. Any attempt at dialogue is quickly turned into a joke or a humorous comment.(more common among men)

1. Assessment own belief and attitudes concerning intimacy

• Is intimacy a value for me?

• Do I believe that I must develop my capacity?

• Whom do I know in this way?

• What are my fears of intimacy?

• What are the defenses that I use that interfere with my effectiveness in ministry?

• What wall do I build between myself and those with whom I live?

2. Personal interaction inventory

• Do I listen to others in an understanding way?

• Am I likely to trust others?

• Am I wiling to share feelings (emotions)?

• How do I react to comments about my own behavior?

• Am I aware of others’ feelings?

• What is my attitude toward change?

• Am I warm and friendly?

• Am I aware of other’s feelings towards me?

3. Communication: Listening skill

TO UNDERSTAND WITH THE HEART: IN DEPTH LISTENING

• listen (in English) – to wait in suspense

• to listen is literally “to wait in suspense”, to turn towards another with such intense expectation that our whole being is on alert

• many studies in listening have shown that as much 75% of oral communication is ignored, forgotten or misunderstood

1. Reflection: Readiness for LISTENING

- basic is the ability to reflect on our communication habits

- How can we become more reflective?

* relaxed and experience a sense of inner stillness, we are in position to focus our awareness

* important is SELF-REFLECTION

- HOW much do I talk?

- How frequently do I interrupt when others are talking?

- What does my body posture say to people?

- Do I welcome feedback? How do I react when I get it?

- How do I act when I’m angry? Jealous? Lonely? Insecure? Threatened? Happy? Excited?

- Are my feelings and my behavior congruent? Does what I feel on the inside match of fit with what I say on the outside?

It is impossible to be a good listener for other people it we do not listen to what our own behavior is saying.

1^st STAGE OF LISTENING: ATTENDING

• attending means be in touch: paying close attention – noticing and being sensitive to cues in self, others, and the environment that say something about what is going on.

• Translated into Greek, we use the word DIAKONOS, the technical word for ministry (what the early Church did: ATTENDED to one another, noticing the needs of the widows, seeing the plight of the poor, recognizing the sick in their midst. They paid close attention to environmental cues and responded appropriately.

2^nd STAGE OF LISTENING: FOLLOWING

• following means staying with another

• When Jesus asked “Follow me”, he was not asking them to step in line and walk in his tracks. He was asking for companionship that involved walking alongside him and learning from him.

• Psychologically following involves the same thing: Companionship and learning. It means walking along with another and trying to learn something more about his / her perspective. It means doing everything possible to enable the other to reveal his/her world to us.

• Make easier for another person to talk! Nodding, smiling, matching the facial expression of the other, maintaining the eye contact. Single word of encouragement can also be helpful: “Really? Sure! Yea! Me too! Wow! And? Oh?”

3^rd STAGE OF LISTENING: RESPONDING

• without the willingness to enter another’s world, responding is difficult

• when our response to another flows from our own needs, or from poor listening skills, our relationship always suffer.

• Responding with understanding is that skill which completes the listening process. More than any other communication skill, appropriate and understanding responding solidifies trust and promotes long-lasting interpersonal ties.

• Responding with understanding gives the feeling that we are with them.

• When are we not judging, the foundation for friendship has been laid

• What can we do more:

• Make sure that the response flows from reflection

• Void quick comebacks and snap comments (“count to ten”)

• Avoid judging and categorizing what others say.

• Wait to respond until the other has finished talking.

• Comment on what a speaker has said before introducing a new topic

• Avoid monopolizing conversations or engaging in frequent “me” talk

• Develop the habit of frequently assessing what other people might be feeling as they talk.

THE GOOD FEELING OF BEING HEARD

• there is nothing quite so energizing as the feeling of being heard, the experience to being understood

• The SAMARITAN woman (John 4,29 etc) has that experience as she has interacted with Jesus at the well. She had met someone who knew her as one else ever had. She came way feeling that she had been totally understood, and also she felt totally accepted, not judged. Not reprimanded. Not given advice. It gave her energy and enthusiasm for ministry. She began to talk about Jesus and to bring others to know the one whose responses to people flowed from having entered their world.

OPEN ENDED RESPONSES – CLARYFING RESPONSES

• Is this something that you prize?

• Are you glad about that?

• How did you feel what that happened?

• Did you consider any alternative?

• Have you felt this way for a long time?

• Was the something that you yourself selected or chose?

• Did you have to choose that: what is a free choice?

• Do you do anything about that idea?

• Can you give me some examples of this idea?

• What do you mean by…: can you define that word?

• What would that idea lead?

• Would you really do that you just talking?

• Are you saying that… (repeat)?

• Have you thought much about that idea (or behavior)?

• What are some good things about that notion?

• What do we have to assume for things to work out that way?

• What other possibilities are?

• Is that a personal preference of do you think most people should believe that?

• How can I help you do something about your idea? What seems to be the difficulty?

• Is there a purpose back of this activity?

• Is that very important to you? Do you do this often?

• Would you like to tell others about your ideas?

• Would you do the same thing over again?

• How do you know it’s right? Do you value that?

• Do you think people will always believe that? Would Chinese peasants and African hunters also believe that?

CLARYFYING RESPONSES SUGGESTED BY THE 7 VALUING PROCESSES

Choosing freely – How long have you felt that way?

Choosing from alternative – What else did you consider before you picked this?

Choosing thoughtfully and reflectively – Now if you do this, what will happen to..

Prizing and cherishing – Are you glad you feel that way? How long have wanted it?

Affirming – Would you tell the class the way you feel some time?

Acting upon choices – What are your first steps, second steps..?

Repeating – Have you felt this way for some time? Will you do it again.