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- MAMMA MARGARET - 150
by Pascual Chávez Villanueva
THE FAMILY THE CRADLE OF LIFE
IN THIS VALLEY
OF TEARS
All human beings want to “succeed.” What they do has one purpose: to bring them happiness. But life is not without its worries, conflicts, failures. Even the happiest family as it goes along its way meets with difficulties and tears.
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ot a few things can undermine peace and kill hope in a family: violence, loss of work, infidelity, lack of concern for one another among the members, depression, separation, sickness... In these cases the watch word is “try to get over it,” which can also mean “grow.” This shouldn’t seem strange: difficulties can in fact be strengthening, a source of fresh energy, instructive. It’s true that times of crisis are unsettling and cause anguish, but if the family remains united, it is strengthened and can sort itself out and continue on its way. Being strong in the face of adversity means not allowing oneself to be caught in a blind alley, but, when everything seems blocked off, making the decision to try another way.
The best way forward is communication which is based on everyone pulling together, on respect, compromise, impartiality. Improving communication means listening more carefully and expressing oneself better. When a family problem is “shared” a solution can be found. Education consists precisely in forming individuals so that they have the necessary capacity to overcome the problems life throws up. Parents know that they can’t shield their children for ever. Therefore they have to act in two ways. One consists in giving unconditional support: «Whatever happens, we are with you!». This attitude also implies allowing people to make mistakes, and accepting the task of teaching children to overcome obstacles. It also means seeing the family as the place where one is helped to face challenges and start again. Without the family it is impossible to overcome the crises. The second way consists in training the children to be self-disciplined, helping them to accept the world as it is and the fact of limitations. All crises arise from our limitations as being weak and imperfect creatures. Children can be prepared for life by parents saying “no” and giving their reasons. “Nos” can contribute to their becoming strong. If parents give in to every whim and fancy of their children these grow up unable to cope with frustration. The parents, who with good intentions, try to shield their children from any kind of suffering could be depriving them of the opportunity to develop the means of dealing with difficulties. Limitations help children to develop their own resources.
There is a kind of crisis that directly leads to the destruction of the family. Nowadays, separation or divorce are considered the way to put an end to the suffering of an unsatisfying relationship. Thousands of people every year commit murder or suicide, but hundreds of thousands of individuals choose divorce or separation. For several years in these parts of the world, fifty per cent of marriages fail, some of them after two or three divorces already ! Our society could be considered the “use and throw away society.” Our food is packaged in beautiful containers made to be thrown away, cars and domestic electrical appliances are made with built-in obsolescence, furniture is changed because it is no longer fashionable, business contracts are made for as long as they are mutually beneficial. Even unwanted pregnacies are “thrown away.” It shouldn’t come as a great surprise then if society has reached the stage of accepting the concept of the “use and throw away “ marriage. If they are no longer happy together the easiest thing to do is to cancel the marriage bond so as to “rebuild their lives” as people say. But for the children it is not a matter of no consequence, nor as many pretend a “normal” event. Every separation violently shatters their affective lives: they feel themselves abandoned by those who brought them into the world; at a stroke they lose almost all their terms of reference. In any case they no longer see love, marriage, the relationship between the sexes as they did before. From the house built on rock they move to the house built on sand, and they experience the separation of their parents as a grave injustice.
The faith offers a completely different approach. Conversion: with the grace of God people can change even radically. Hope: the unshakable strength of someone who knows that “nothing is impossible to God.” The power of love is the strongest weapon. The problem with many married couples is that they think of love as an emotion. Love is a lot more than that; it is action. A «golden rule » in the Gospel says: «Always treat others as you would like them to treat you » (Mt 7,12). This is a definition of love. The fact that love is an action rather than an emotion means that it is possible to love one’s partner even when you don’t feel very emotionally drawn to them. Emotion can be rekindled by action This is the reason why in the first century the apostle Paul addressing himself to husbands was able to write: «Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her» (Eph. 5,25). Finally then sacrifice: this is the essential dimension of love, by which it is possible to grow, even to “reach the sky.” ■
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