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- MAMMA MARGARET - 150
by Pascual Chávez Villanueva
THE FAMILY
CRADLE OF LIFE
HELP FOR THE FAMILY
RELATIVES
The family in the broad sense cannot be reduced to a unit made up of parents and children; it also includes RELATIVES who make up the larger family or the extended family.
T
he family
tree was once fashionable, an attractive way of tracing the history
of one’s own family. It has an enormous impact in biblical and in
human terms. The symbol of the tree with roots, branches and leaves,
supported by the same life-giving sap, gave a sense of the interplay
between the links uniting a family “of the same blood.” From the
biblical point of view, a genealogy goes right back to our first
parents, and to God as the origin. The family tree, therefore, was a
way of feeling close to God just as a mother is close to her baby,
who feels safe because there are many others ready to protect it. But
the patriarcal family is no more; today it is reduced to a small
“cell”, sometimes “wrapped up” in itself. Uncles, aunts and
cousins were once people one could to count and rely on, but today
they are much less in evidence.
■ Children who unexpectedly find themselves living on their own as a result of the death, the divorce or the separation of their parents, succeed in overcoming the crisis and finding their balance again through the presence of close relatives who represent a sense of family continuity and a safe port of call. The presence of relatives with their help and advice is important to enable children to understand that family affection is superior to self-interest. In the family circle it is possible to share joys and sorrows, responsiblities and “secrets”. With their relatives children can experience the comfort of being close and not the cold judgement of strangers. From an educational point of view, the most important thing is to learn about “family” and enjoying things together; in this uncles, aunts and cousins are indispensable. Nowadays, however, it seems that people are afraid of families with more children: “I’m just about to have my second child and I’m scared about the first being jealous; as a child I suffered so much from it…”Jealousy between brothers and sisters, with its quarrels, spitefulness, annoyance, tears, is not only a concern for parents: educators and close relatives are also involved.
Jealousy is a natural feeling. Anyone who loves, sooner or later, experiences this feeling which arises from the desire to totally “possess” the loved one. No one is “bad” just because they are jealous: someone tortured by jealousy is someone who has not learned how to love properly. Jealousy is a phase of growing up to be gone through. There are adults who have remained tormented by jealousy and show it in embarrassing and at times in dramatic ways. The child needs to be helped by parents and relatives to escape from the trap of exclusive relationships. Uncles and aunts play a decisive role.
The family is a constellation in which all the stars are important. Some small children are terribly jealous because they have become used to considering themselves little absolute monarchs. In this case, relatives, less accommodating than the parents, can help them grow up in the right way, giving the children the chance to see that affection can be shown them in different ways and from different people. It is important, however, never to give children a label: the crybaby, the dreamer, the little liar, the swot … Neither parents nor relatives should use such terms to make a point. It can be very dangerous.
In the case of quarrelling or open rivalry among children it is important to make some rules. The first is simple: you are not obliged to share everything or always to play together, but everyone has to respect the others. Relatives as the first helpers of the parents can teach the children the basic rules for getting on together. At the same time they should not get draw in to all the arguments. They should take care to safeguard the physical wellbeing of the little one and the interior world of the bigger one who may be upset by the violence of his own aggressive feelings, especially if he has not learned to control them. In the name of a healthy rivalry children can be allowed to squabble with their brothers and sisters and cousins. Whoever in the family sees them fighting should let them know that their feelings and resentment are understood, but nevertheless they should not allow themselves to hurt anyone with words or deeds..
It is important to avoid the childs play of “whose fault is it?”, since it is almost impossible to get anywhere with it. It is also necessary when scolding to avoid using the words “big” and “small” as well as too much emphasis on “equal shares”: too rigid a balancing act is not always the best thing. What is important is to help each child, patiently teaching him to do what is right and to avoid what is wrong. This approach releases the spring of a family love which is one of the most satisfying feelings in life.
But nowadays ever more frequently we come across “expanded” families: in which there is another Dad, another Mum, other grand parents and even Dad’s fiancée… It is the story of crisis. We shall be speaking about it.
