1 50 - MAMMA MARGARET - 150

by Pascual Chávez Villanueva

T HE FAMILY CRADLE OF LIFE

CHILDREN

LIVING SYNTHESIS OF LOVE

MARRIED love cannot “close itself off” within the couple themselves, it seeks further fulfilment in a child, “a living reflection of their love, a permanent sign of conjugal unity, a living and inseparable synthesis of their being a father and a mother” (FC 14).

The fear of procreation, the fashion of postponing the conception of a child or of not having children at all are attitudes contrary to the full expression of married love, and have within them seeds of frustration. Behaviour of this kind impedes the full development of the love of the spouses, to whom God has entrusted the mission of transmitting life … even though science may offer the possibility of doing it in a different way or by other means; in fact the criterion by which science operates is not morality. From the Christian point of view it does not make sense to speak of models in which the original dual nature of man/woman and the sexual/affective relationship which is the basis of the generation of a person are not respected. Only their love one for the other can provide the right setting in which to welcome a new human being. The existence of a new life produces something new that enriches the family relationship. Far from being a destabilising factor it brings with it a deeper and enriching way of family living, heralding a shared responsibility and a call to consolidate the love. The childen already born also need to welcome joyfully the new life the fruit of their parents’ love.

◙ Children need to be loved. It is in love that they find the strength that makes their life possible. A child needs the family into which it is born to accompany it in its physical growth but also in its intellectual and spiritual development. Of its very nature married love is directed towards the procreation and education of children. Parents have the primary responsiblity to educate their offspring, to concern themselves with their support, and ensure the human and Christian “quality” of their development. It is important that they ask themselves what sort of way of life would be right for their children, in a society in which success and failure are measured in economic terms imposed by the needs of arid competition. But children are not the exclusive property of the parents, they are called to be responsible for their own lives and architects of their own destiny in a complex society with relationships that transcend the family. Not rarely it is precisely in this area that conflicts arise that threaten to undermine family harmony. How do you reconcile the rights of the children to their own independent fulfilment with the duty of the parents to accompany them as they grow to maturity?

◙ One of the most attractive images of the teenage Don Bosco shows him balancing himself and walking a tight-rope; a very suitable image for parents: being parents is like walking a tight-rope, suspended between heaven and earth, between daily life and one’s dreams. It illustrates well the tension and the necessary care not to fall, since the balancing point constantly changes. Parents have to make great efforts to identify just what the right balance is, and moment by moment find it for themslves, for the children and for the family. It is only when the educational balance is right that a well balanced person emerges. Education is a challenge that aims at giving children their own independence and their own identity: they need to learn how to live outside while remaining within the family. A mix of well chosen and well measured ingredients are needed to ensure that there is a well balanced development: freedom/limits, trust/checks, the necessary /the superfluous, activity/rest, ties/separation, permissiveness/intransigence, etc. It is a matter of knowing when is the right time to support and help, and when it is important that the children go their own way. Each moment is a new one, and what was necessary yesterday may not be so today. In the field of education flexibility is fundamental. Discovering what the childen need involves not imposing our will, recognising the signs they give and resisting the temptation to interfere, to be a know-all, or be too protective. And all this without ever leaving them just to their own devices: they need support and guidance in their lives until they are ready to take full responsibility for themselves.

◙ Walking a tight-rope needs effort and concentration, and so those jugglers and acrobats that parents have to be need interior strength and the support of each other. The rewards are proportionate: harmony in the family. For a child’s development parents are fundamental: will they be sand or rock? (Mt. 7, 24-27). The future depends on it. The family is the absolutely basic affective unit and educates as such: it is like water for the fish, air for the birds, oxygen for breathing. The couple comes first: many parents don’t look after their children because thay don’t look after themselves. The laws of priorities can’t be ignored: to have a good family means putting it «first» - before work and before a career. The height of evangelisation is «giving one’s life». The family needs to make its plans: deciding «first of all» what kind of family it is going to be. It is important that the parents have a plan for their child, ideas about his development, and that they suggest to him possible paths. It is difficult for someone growing up and as yet knowing little of the world to become an autonomous individual if no one points out possible options and ways of behaving not only with regard to his own needs but also taking account of the needs of the family, the group, the community. The first technique to use for all this is to provide a model to follow, in addition to speaking, explaining and being very practical. ◙