austraLasia #1363
China focus: "My Lord, show me your face"!
[Note: as China
Province prepares for its centenary celebrations, austraLasia from time
to time will run a focus on one or other aspect of life and mission
there. The item below is true in every detail except for names
and places. It is a story as yet without an ending, but it wants
to be a happy story, and in its own way it is a timely Christmas
story. The individual concerned would appreciate the prayers of
readers to assist his discernment].
SHANGHAI: 21st
December 2005 -- My name is Dominic Savio, 29 years old,
born in China,
of a Catholic family of four children, the youngest. I was an atheist,
against the faith of my family and was critical of my parents' faith,
due to my communist formation in the public school, growing up without
God and without any transcendental
value in life. I had everything I dreamed of but was never satisfied in
the depths of my heart, never felt true happiness.
When
I was 17 , I was invited to catechetics. From that moment on I began to
discover a true sense and
meaning for my life; it was a big surprise for me! I was so happy, so
deeply
touched, so grateful to meet one God, who loved me so much to want to
become one
like us! I was attracted to tell Him: “My Lord, my All, my God, I’m all
yours!”
On October 3,
1990 I was baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Holy
Spirit.
From that moment I entrusted myself to His Mercy, His Fidelity and His
Goodness in order to give all my life for Him and His Gospel – a
personal
promise in my heart! Some months later I was called by a priest of the
unofficial Church to become his Secretary for three years. I became a
seminarian and his personal secretary. Then another two years of
formation in the unofficial seminary. After this formation I was sent
for
another two years to a town to serve as a catechist to some
Catholic
student communities.
After these years of formative and pastoral
experience I found myself a little bit confused amidst the internal and
external challenges of the China Church.
I felt there was a very
strong central need for the China Church
– strong vocation formation
as well a need for good preparation for a new evangelisation in
our situation! I have asked myself: “What does the good Lord ask of me
in this
situation?” After a period of personal reflection, consulting some
experienced
superiors in the Seminary, I was advised to leave for further study
abroad. It
was my hope to be better prepared for the future of the China Church.
After this decision I was able to study English for a year as a
preparation
for my foreign studies. Finally I left my homeland for a religious
seminary
abroad, where I understood immediately that my vocation was not to be
there! Still continuing the search for my vocation, I consulted
some other
experienced priests, and continued my studies in another seminary of an
ecclesiastical movement. Also here I got the feeling that I was not
suited to that
specific Charism and formation path. What should I do?
Today I feel a little bit confused, asking
myself: am I perhaps one who only
wants a pilgrim spirituality, wandering from one experience to another?
At the same
time I feel the pain every time I change my place of formation! What am
I
looking for after so many struggles and useless searchings for the
‘right seminary’
to receive my formation? What does my heart still hope for after this
ten
year long journey? In spite of offering myself to God, now I have
nothing; I
feel so weak – like a piece of rubbish lying around! Today I feel
really tired of
everything, very weak, unfaithful, without ability. What should I do
for Him
and His Gospel? Many times I have no courage to answer
Him! For myself, I have only one wish: “O My Lord, show me your face,
because nothing in this world can satisfy the yearning of my heart! But
for His
Church, for His call today I should also ask Him: “Give me
strength, give me
responsibility, give me a faithful heart and trust in order to finish
this
discernment about your will!” I
need an environment, where I can receive
enough of the teaching of the Church to be still able to study Her
Magisterium–
in order to be prepared later on to share more than ‘my own personal
faith’! with others. Also I would like to become one, who under
the guidance of the Church,
will become freely a servant for all, with all – and not only
closed to one
small group in the Church! It’s really this idea that has pushed me on
for
the past ten years of my vocation journey from China up to now.
Being Chinese, my
vocation is more suitable for the China Church.
At the same time I have not yet forgotten the original motivation that
brought me out of China.
But I’m asking myself: in
order to
better serve the needy China Church,
should I become a
member of some Church movement or religious congregation? Should I
become a
member of some Chinese diocese? I feel a little bit confused regarding
the
present situation of my diocese of origin and the whole China Church!
In fact, I feel, that for the service of
unity of the China
Church, we also need some
Chinese who are not members of any Chinese diocese! Of course, for
me it is
not important to be a part of some diocese, it is more important to be
totally
a disciple of Christ and His will, but I also know I can’t be a
free-lancer, independent of any bishop, an autonomous seminarian!
I
believe that He who created me for this world, who called me to follow
Him, who loves me as I am, is truly faithful – and I’m not alone
walking the path of history, it’s He who carries my own history, so I’m
not
afraid!
Thanks from
my heart, with the hope that in the near future also I can help others
as I was
helped until now. In communion with Christ,
Yours,
Savio
_____________________
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